1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
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Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
🍛
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.