If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.