They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
never compromise your values
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
sigh
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Got ya covered
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Accurate
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.