*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Lube but for my dry humor.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.