I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
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boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My dating profile:
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
He’s dead
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.