sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me too
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Something Saturday.