Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?