Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
early stone age tool
58.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.