Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
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Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I feel seen.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.