“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
You Might Also Like
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden