my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Very good! 👍😂
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage