If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“Sheer Arrogance”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.