Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I gave up going to work for lent.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar