Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it