netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
that’s really how it is
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.