@megan_stuhr Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
@Reverend_Scott [Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
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@megan_stuhr 
@ColoradoUgly I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
@GrumpyBahr Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
@badbanana 65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
@GingerHotDish *Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
@Elizasoul80 I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
@Bob_Janke This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
@karencheee the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
@MrSandeepP I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
@Hormonella And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show