Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Realize this:
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.