my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house