I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
*mops up wine with cat*
the three genders
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes