If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
me irl
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Just as the prophecy foretold
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.