How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words