{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Monday Lisa
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.