Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.