boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate