These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business