If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
You Might Also Like
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing