12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog