kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.