Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.