I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.