One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
they should invent a hydrating liquor
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it