Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
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2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”