[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*seductively eats two tums*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Seems legit
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.