A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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#MeanwhileInCanada
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.