*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
whatcha thinkin bout
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes