i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
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My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Jokes on them. I took 10.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Chicken bread
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I’m listening
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.