Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’