Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Happy weekend !
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
same bro
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The opposite of goth is stopth.