God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
live, laugh, laundry.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.