*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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I cannot stop laughing at this
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