*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Him: Let’s make another baby
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
So what’s your name?
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
why do birds
you are near
and how do u
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me