*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.