@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

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@CatsForDinnerz

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

@SimplyEffortful

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

@charliesgonenow

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

@Gorrdano

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

@shanethevein

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

@SCBamaMan

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

@Smooheed

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive