do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I support this random dude and all his protests
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too