I support this random dude and all his protests
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When you’re Kinky but poor
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My dad teaching me to drive
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.