I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.