I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”