The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
just got my engagement photos
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.