Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’m not proud
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?