I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
💯😂
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*