me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
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A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT