Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
You Might Also Like
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Word!
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.