I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.